I am Felicia Mburu, a Lawyer, Activist and a Mother.
I was at the peak of my dream career and had 7 years’ experience as a single mother. I had it all, perfect balance of a working mum and everyone looked up to me. No one saw it coming with my second child coz depression is associated with stress and difficulty. I had everything, so why could I be depressed? There is no logic to maternal mental health, we all need help sometimes and there’s no shame in asking.
I loved my independence, fiercely. When I got pregnant with my first child, I had just graduated, no job and no man so society told me I had no future. I have always been a fighter, when you tell me impossible, I say prove it. It has been my greatest strength; little did I know it would also be my greatest weakness.
My second pregnancy was less dramatic, this time, I had my career on track, my older child growing into an activist just like her mother and a supportive family. This time, I was getting pregnant on my own terms but for some reason I just couldn’t connect with the child. From when I found out, I tried to be excited, fell for her kicks and it failed miserably. Then my skin changed color so bad (severe melasma) I couldn’t even recognize myself. It hurt so bad when I went to meet a colleague and they passed right in front of me.
Worse still, I developed Hemorrhoids and felt even more uglier, I chased away my partner form the house. Everyone saw the happy got it together girl but deep down I was struggling in self-esteem issues which culminated to a depression. Emergency c-section cemented the feelings of ugliness. My breaking point came 2 days after birth when my baby was diagnosed with jaundice. I went to the bathroom to take a shower and there was a mirror. I could hear my baby crying but all I wanted to do was walk out and never look back. A nurse found me as I walked out the gate.